Why I do this work
Like many couples, my wife and I enlisted the help of a "traditional" marriage therapist when we were having difficulty with our relationship. Rather than bring us together, our relationship nearly ended in this person's office. There were no tools. There was no hope. Had we not come across a different approach, Relational Life Therapy, we would most likely be divorced now. The result of this system was so profound, I left my previous career so that I could assist others in this work.
Working within the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) system, we learned solid, healthy repeatable skills for dealing with conflict. These skills gave us a means of correction (a steering wheel if you will) to keep us connected; to resolve conflicts, to grow together and to cherish each other. We found understanding. We found accountability. We found balance.
Now, trained in RLT, I bring the same teachable and repeatable system to bear in service of your relationship. My process with you will be behavioral and educational. We may talk about the past, but we will focus on the present and the future. You will leave with the relationship tools we all should have learned as children but weren't given to us. We will go through the process together, transparently. I do not hide behind the veil of 'expert'. I've been through this myself and have come out the other side.
Working within the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) system, we learned solid, healthy repeatable skills for dealing with conflict. These skills gave us a means of correction (a steering wheel if you will) to keep us connected; to resolve conflicts, to grow together and to cherish each other. We found understanding. We found accountability. We found balance.
Now, trained in RLT, I bring the same teachable and repeatable system to bear in service of your relationship. My process with you will be behavioral and educational. We may talk about the past, but we will focus on the present and the future. You will leave with the relationship tools we all should have learned as children but weren't given to us. We will go through the process together, transparently. I do not hide behind the veil of 'expert'. I've been through this myself and have come out the other side.
What is different about this approach?
We break the cycle...
We often have the same kind of fight again and again: maybe one partner yells and the other shuts down, or one partner is passive-aggressive while the other sobs. Whatever the dynamic, each time it plays out, it reinforces the ways in which we wound each other. Part of the work is understanding the ways and reasons that we resort to the same ineffective playbook again and again, the other part is learning how to stop. I often say, "I'm not all that interested in why you two are fighting, but I am incredibly interested in how you are fighting." Two people who care for each other and want to get along... then something seemingly inconsequential happens, like the dishwasher doesn't get emptied, and it's World War III.
We remove resentment...
The number one killer of intimacy is resentment. Resentment is suppressed anger, usually riding on top of unexpressed or un-validated hurt. To be loving towards someone who you feel has hurt you is difficult (if not impossible at times). Often, expressing the hurt launches a fight (or a shutdown from our partner), so the resentment grows and gnaws at us. Having a healthy way to express upset is necessary. A healthy relationship is not one where the couple never disagrees, it is one where disagreements don't cause emotional damage and instead lead to resolution, understanding and connection.
We make sure both of you feel loved...
To just remove the discord isn't enough: we need to make sure you are both getting what you want out of the relationship. What each of you want is often different: we are not wired the same way - that is part of what attracts us to each other and part of what causes problems - so when we finally understand how to take care of our partner the way they want to be taken care of and they understand how to take care of us, much of the rest of the puzzle pieces fall into place.
We often have the same kind of fight again and again: maybe one partner yells and the other shuts down, or one partner is passive-aggressive while the other sobs. Whatever the dynamic, each time it plays out, it reinforces the ways in which we wound each other. Part of the work is understanding the ways and reasons that we resort to the same ineffective playbook again and again, the other part is learning how to stop. I often say, "I'm not all that interested in why you two are fighting, but I am incredibly interested in how you are fighting." Two people who care for each other and want to get along... then something seemingly inconsequential happens, like the dishwasher doesn't get emptied, and it's World War III.
We remove resentment...
The number one killer of intimacy is resentment. Resentment is suppressed anger, usually riding on top of unexpressed or un-validated hurt. To be loving towards someone who you feel has hurt you is difficult (if not impossible at times). Often, expressing the hurt launches a fight (or a shutdown from our partner), so the resentment grows and gnaws at us. Having a healthy way to express upset is necessary. A healthy relationship is not one where the couple never disagrees, it is one where disagreements don't cause emotional damage and instead lead to resolution, understanding and connection.
We make sure both of you feel loved...
To just remove the discord isn't enough: we need to make sure you are both getting what you want out of the relationship. What each of you want is often different: we are not wired the same way - that is part of what attracts us to each other and part of what causes problems - so when we finally understand how to take care of our partner the way they want to be taken care of and they understand how to take care of us, much of the rest of the puzzle pieces fall into place.
The system...
Triage
What is the problem in explicit detail? What are we here to repair? Lost connection, poor or non-existent communication, loss of intimacy, damaged trust, constant fighting... and of equal importance, what would success look like?
Surgery
We remove the dysfunctional patterns, behaviors and paradigms. We get back to zero, so to speak; a truce; an end to the emotional abuse.
Rehabilitation & Prevention
With the dysfunctional parts removed, it's time to replace the old, losing, downward spiral with a new, healthy set of relational skills. First it was out with the bad; now it's in with the good. You'll learn how to build capital in the relationship so you can get from it what you want.
What is the problem in explicit detail? What are we here to repair? Lost connection, poor or non-existent communication, loss of intimacy, damaged trust, constant fighting... and of equal importance, what would success look like?
Surgery
We remove the dysfunctional patterns, behaviors and paradigms. We get back to zero, so to speak; a truce; an end to the emotional abuse.
Rehabilitation & Prevention
With the dysfunctional parts removed, it's time to replace the old, losing, downward spiral with a new, healthy set of relational skills. First it was out with the bad; now it's in with the good. You'll learn how to build capital in the relationship so you can get from it what you want.
What we might work on together...
Certain topics come up again and again in couples work. Are any of the following things you would like to work on?
Communication - Trust - Anger - Retaliation - Withdrawal - Resentment - Addiction - Infidelity - Loss of Intimacy - Differences in Parenting Style - Interactions with Extended Family - Reconciling Different Goals & Priorities - Felling Like You've Fallen Out Of Love
Communication - Trust - Anger - Retaliation - Withdrawal - Resentment - Addiction - Infidelity - Loss of Intimacy - Differences in Parenting Style - Interactions with Extended Family - Reconciling Different Goals & Priorities - Felling Like You've Fallen Out Of Love
The nuts and bolts...
How often?
We will usually start with sessions each week. As progress is made, we will start to space out the sessions: two weeks, three weeks, and then hopefully at some point stop completely. The goal is for you to be able to navigate your relationship without assistance.
For how long?
The length of our work together is usually between 3 and 9 months, with 6 months seeming to be the sweet spot for most couples. What determines the length of our work together? When we get to the point where you and your partner have successfully broken your downward spiral and replaced it with healthy relational skills. I want you to "graduate" from this system and move forward with your lives and your relationship. I'm looking for the moment when you both look at me and say, "We're good. We don't need to come back".
How much?
Being an RLT-Certified Relationship Coach (not a therapist), our work together is not covered by insurance; it is self pay. I understand that it may be more expensive per session to work with me than it might be to work with a person on your insurance. That said, the arc of therapy is often a number of years; hopefully we're done in a matter of months. Therapy may be less expensive out of pocket but take quite a bit longer. How long are you willing to stretch things out to save money? How long can the relationship handle remaining in conflict? The choice is yours.
(More info on pricing can be found on the Pricing & FAQ page.)
We will usually start with sessions each week. As progress is made, we will start to space out the sessions: two weeks, three weeks, and then hopefully at some point stop completely. The goal is for you to be able to navigate your relationship without assistance.
For how long?
The length of our work together is usually between 3 and 9 months, with 6 months seeming to be the sweet spot for most couples. What determines the length of our work together? When we get to the point where you and your partner have successfully broken your downward spiral and replaced it with healthy relational skills. I want you to "graduate" from this system and move forward with your lives and your relationship. I'm looking for the moment when you both look at me and say, "We're good. We don't need to come back".
How much?
Being an RLT-Certified Relationship Coach (not a therapist), our work together is not covered by insurance; it is self pay. I understand that it may be more expensive per session to work with me than it might be to work with a person on your insurance. That said, the arc of therapy is often a number of years; hopefully we're done in a matter of months. Therapy may be less expensive out of pocket but take quite a bit longer. How long are you willing to stretch things out to save money? How long can the relationship handle remaining in conflict? The choice is yours.
(More info on pricing can be found on the Pricing & FAQ page.)
Many of my clients have been to multiple marriage therapists or counselors before coming to work with me: There are great therapists out there, and, not all of them are great couples therapists. In addition, there are aspects of many therapeutic approaches that are poorly suited for relationships in trouble. The RLT system, on the other hand, is specifically designed and purpose-built for couples in crisis.
The old "rules" for marriages and relationships just don't work any more. We need new strategies... better strategies than our parents had... because the modern relational playing feel is not as simple as it was just a generation or two ago. "The New Rules of Marriage" address the complexities and demands of modern relationships:
So, before you call the divorce attorneys or head to mediation, please consider giving this a try. If the relationship was good in the past, it is most likely repairable. If I do my job correctly, not only will you get out of the hole you're in now; you'll see the next one coming and simply step aside.
The old "rules" for marriages and relationships just don't work any more. We need new strategies... better strategies than our parents had... because the modern relational playing feel is not as simple as it was just a generation or two ago. "The New Rules of Marriage" address the complexities and demands of modern relationships:
- Permanently breaking the cycle of dysfunctional communication
- Stopping the emotional abuse
- Identifying losing strategies and replacing them with winning strategies
- Removing resentment
- Moving from conflict to repair
- Staying relational even when your partner is behaving poorly
- Getting more of what you want
- Learning to love and cherish each other again
- (And sometimes) knowing when it's time to call it quits
So, before you call the divorce attorneys or head to mediation, please consider giving this a try. If the relationship was good in the past, it is most likely repairable. If I do my job correctly, not only will you get out of the hole you're in now; you'll see the next one coming and simply step aside.
Adult Child / Parent Relationships
It is not uncommon for issues between adult children and their parents to remain unresolved for years. It takes both courage and skill to bring about change. We can work individually or together with your family member to change the status quo and break negative behavior cycles for you and future generations. We can only control what is on "our side of the fence" yet often that can be enough to create a systemic shift in the reaction and responses of others.
Business Partners, Family Businesses, Friends, & Co-workers
Relationships with friends, co-workers and business partners (and especially family businesses) can be as complicated as relationships with spouses or family. We will work together to foster stronger connection, resolve conflict, remove resentment and restore integrity to your non-romantic relationships.
After the Breakup / Divorce
If your relationship has already ended and you would like to figure out what went wrong so you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future, we can bring the same RLT skills to bear to triage what has happened in the past. We tend to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns again and again until we choose to do the work. This can be an incredibly enlightening process that can give you the strength and courage to either get back out there to find the right partner or to find the peace to stay on your own.